Special? :) Nope. :(

•May 14, 2015 • 1 Comment

My whole life all I wanted to do was to do good. I wanted to feel as if I can change the world. Be someone who can influence and lead people for the better. The kind of people who make peace between two factions with a history of war and violence, cure diseases and save generations of pain and suffering. Well, I’m not one of those and probably won’t be either. I can fool myself thinking that it’s not to late to follow those dreams or pursuit the impossible but not everyone can be so lucky/blessed.

I see people that can do so much with what they have and they do nothing. I know that their passions are not mine and I have no right to judge on whether they do something with a gift that has just fallen into their lap but why not ME!. And to be honest, I’m just jealous. I want life to go for me just once. I want to be able to fall backwards in money, looks, and emotional stability. I just need these to happen just so I can use it to help the people I care about and others that need it. I hate the fact that I have to justify my good intensions with this selfish attitude that seems childish and wining. That’s not how it should work.

How can I help others when I don’t know how to help myself. I think this is way I feel like a failure. I feel that I let everyone close to me down. This is the attitude that keeps me down and all I have to blame is myself. I guess I just need to be important on a smaller scale like for my friends and family. Just put on a face that makes it seem that everything is alright for now, even though they see right through that because as dumb as I maybe, I’m surrounded by smart people. I just hope I can remain special to them long enough to truly become special so that my fear may not come true, where I wake up and they just have given up on me.

I’m really having a hard time trying to find a tiny bit  of light in confidence at the end of this hole of a depressing blog but why would it end the way I would like when I’m so use to it ending the way it always ends. Maybe next time. It has to be next time. I promise.

A professional Interviewer?

•May 5, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It’s been too long since I’ve been here or wrote anything that isn’t my shitty comic books or “The Death of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” fan-fiction but lets see if I can be just as bad.

I finally had a job that I liked at Gamestop. I know its not the most glamorous or well paid but at least at the end of the day I felt as if I accomplish something at the end of the day. It was the first time in a long time that I’ve enjoyed helping people. Sure it’s only video games but if someone walked away with some knowledge, a better understanding where there money is going, and if it made their day, then it was a good day for me. So naturally, I was let go.

I’ve been applying everywhere the last two months and no luck. I’ve had several interviews, a couple of second interviews, and still haven’t heard from anyone. I use to pride myself that I was a hard worker, loyal, and honest. Everywhere I’ve worked my co-workers have loved me, had good relations with corporate offices if any, and been promoted. But the last two jobs I’ve had have used me and I felt that they never appreciated me. As much as my attributes help me, they are also my faults.

These last few years have made me think I’m I just a bad employee or a bad worker. I may rock the boat sometimes but it’s because I want to better wherever I go and not in a hurtful way. My friend just pointed out that maybe I’m coming off as an asshole and not knowing it. I never thought of it like that but I see what he’s saying. So maybe I’m coming off like that in interviews. He also told me that maybe I’m not presenting myself in a way that they want to see them what I want them to see me as. I’ve never wanted to but on a different persona just to land a job. I never wan to “lie” to get a job. I want to earn a job on my merits and so you know what kind of a  person I am and knowing what kind of person you’re hiring. But I know that’s not the way it is anymore. It’s who know these days and not so much about qualification. Looks like I’m going to need to tweak my approach without compromising what little integrity that I have. I really should start recording my interviews and seeing if I’m not as charming as I think. With whoever I’m interviewing’s permission of course.

So as I rethink what kind of human being I am, I’m just going to touch up my resume a bit, make lunch, play with my dog Louie, and finish listening to my iFanboy podcast right before I hit the gym. Just had a birthday, hoping that this is the year that my luck will change. And hoping that all my one readers will join me in this journey.

My funeral

•September 29, 2011 • 2 Comments

OK, been a while, I know. Sorry to my one reader. I figured that you would need a break from my terrible form of story telling and awful spelling. Plus I really didn’t have anything entrusting to write about. So, I was having a conversation with one of my best friends. The subject veered to death and funeral arrangements. I found out that he would have more people attend just in San Antonio then I would have with family and friends combined. He laughed and it really got me thinking, “who would attend my funeral.” We could only round up my parents (sad to assume my parents are going to out last me), my sister (if she wasn’t working), my brother (if his wife would let him), my cousin (if he isn’t in Austin banging he’s girlfriend), my cousin’s best friend (if he’s not banging something), the woman I could have learned to love (if she’s not banging everything & if my friends let her in (they hate her so much( plus, can you have a parenthesis in a parenthesis in a parenthesis, oh well, i did it.))), and my 2 best friends but they would probably be late. Oh, and maybe my one reader if she is in town and has a ride:) So, we have a few laughs at my expense and we start talking about how we would like to be remembered. He said he would like to be cremated and be scattered over various parts of the world. My other friend wants a traditional Mexican funeral. Now I knew I wanted to be cremated also, but i always had a toss up between turning my ashes into a T.V. or mixed in with comic book ink so that i could finally be part of a comic. Hopefully a good book and a Spider man book. My buddy was really trying hard to think of some one else that would attend but I OK with just a few people, because they will be the only ones I really cared for. Plus, the ceremony would be so short and small, we can do it in a park of some ones backyard and have a kick ass BBQ, oooooo can’t wait……whoa….wait…what?

I’ve never felt so shitty after a kiss

•July 17, 2011 • 2 Comments

This past Friday should have been the best day of my life. I started the day with drive to Austin to see my niece that just turned 2. Hanging with family and just having an unusual good day. As I was driving back to San Antonio, I received a text by a woman who I’ve liked for over a year now and I haven’t heard from in months. Just your standard ” how are you doing” text. We text back and forth until she suggest that we grab a drink. I’ve been trying to avoid this woman due to the fact that I like her a lot and she knows this but she doesn’t like me in that way. I just couldn’t stomach the fact that she knew how I feel and I couldn’t see her with seeing other guys. It’s been a year and I’m still not over her. It’s hard to get over some one when they live down the street. So, the night starts off ok with her talking about her problems and me trying to avoid eye contact. We make our way to my cousin’s house which I’m house sitting for, to have a drink and save some money. We start drinking, listening to music, and  just catching up. 4hrs later and several drinks later, I’m starting to get loose with my words and expressing my feels to her. I’m confusing things that I’ve only told my best friends. I really wanted her to know how I feel so just maybe I can show her that I’m the right guy for her. We are both drunk at this point. A little playful flirting here and there, the night winding down, and the playful flirting turns into playful hand play, to soft touches, and then feeding each other cookies. I tried the lady and the tramp move with the a cookie but it was to brittle and kept crumbling before we could met in the middle. So laughing at the idea, I take a drink of water and suggest we try again but without the cookie. She giggled. I lean in thinking ” ok, she is going to stop me.” I get closer and now I’m thinking ” alright, she is definitely going to stop me right here.” I’m right at her face, I’m shocked I got this far. I might as well go for it. And so, we kissed. It was the best moment of my short, non-existed love life. I can still feel her lips on my lips. I pull back and I just see her beautiful face, smiling at me. I tell her “I’ve been wanting to do that since the moment I realized I fell for you.” She laughs. I go and kiss her 2 more times that night. I really wanted that moment to last forever, but I realized that’s all it was, just a moment. After I put her to bed and make sure that she had everything she needed, I felt this over whelming sense of guilt. I felt that I betrayed her trust in me as a friend. I went from possibly having the happiest moment in my  life to feeling like I took advantage of her. That’s the last thing I want to do to her. I tried calling my friends but no luck. And of course, my cousin comes and saves my ass once again. We came to the conclusion that I wasn’t just sad about kissing her drunk but that I knew that I couldn’t change her mind about how she feels for me. Knowing that when she wakes up, she probably won’t remember what happen, but that she still sees me as “Just A Friend.” I hate those words.

3 1/2 yrs. That’s just to long

•June 7, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I recently had sex (pause for applause) and I must admit that it was way better than my first time. I didn’t meet her the traditional way like the normal, attractive people in this world met. I met her online, Thank you Craigslist. If it wasn’t for Craigslist, I would probably……….. I would still be a virgin. She was a really nice woman and I can’t thank her enough. I almost forgot the gentle feeling of a woman’s  touch. I really think I enjoy the progress to the actually act of sex. The kissing, caressing, and just the feeling when you lay next to each other with the anticipation of wanting some one. I was nervous meeting her. To make her feel comfortable, we met a downtown for First Friday just for a walk and talk greeting so she can see want she is dealing with and to be the judge for herself so she can have a choice to continue or fall back. The night was fun getting to know each other, trying to feel comfortable with one another. I didn’t expect the night to go where it went. She wanted to get a hotel because I live with my parents and she has 6 roommates.  I only had $40 on me and I couldn’t find a respectable hotel, so she had an idea to go to Our Lady of the Lake University. We walked around just talking and then she starting leading me off the paved path into the trees of the park. I have to say I was a little scared but we ended up laying down holding each other. We started kissing and she started to take my pants off. I was one of the best experiences of my life. I never imagine that I would have sex outside and like it. But because of my luck in life, I probably ruined a good thing. I drive her back to her car and talked some more. We started kissing again and of course I got and erection. She reluctantly gave me a goodnight hand job and I accidentally came all over her arm and dashboard. The look on her face was clear that I’ll probably never see her again. Once again, I find some happiness in life and I do something dumb unintentionally to ruin it. Oh well, guess I’ll work on my next Craigslist post and mention on the post not to be gross out with sperm.

Longest Mother’s Day Ever!!!!!!

•May 11, 2011 • Leave a Comment

   I know I’m a bit late but mother’s day just past and it was hectic. My mom decided to had the whole family over for BBQ and our family’s favorite pastime, watch T.V. I woke up around 9am to clean the house, start the preparations for the meats, and start the fire. I didn’t realize how many cob webs were around my house til I started cleaning every corner of the house the way my mom likes. My parents are scrabbling around and my sister is still asleep. House is clean, I start the fire to a barely self-sustained grill were the weather has already has eaten one leg. Now at this point, the wind has picked up making it impossible to start the fire. It was actually a nice day but the sun was out with no clouds to be seen. I didn’t it realize I was out there for that long but I manage to get a sun burn on the top of my head and my neck due to my slouch like stance. So, I’m cooking for about 4 hours but this time and people start showing up. The one thing I was happy to see was that my cousin brought a case of vanilla coke and Dr. Pepper. the day goes on with people stuffing there faces and telling tales for my embarrassing youth like how I use to steal my dad’s keys to try to start my tricycle. It was the longest day so far this month. After everyone went home and me and my mom start cleaning, I wanted to make sure I told her happy mother’s day again before 12am. I stopped cleaning and I gave her a huge hug and said,” Happy Mother’s day mom, I love you so much and you are my world. There’s it’s anything I wouldn’t do for you and now I know that I inherited my strength from you.  You are the strongest woman I know and I’m glad I’ve had the privilege to have you in my life.” Even though this was the longest day and I was tired and smelling of smoke and sweat, I would do it again for her. I love you mom.

Holy ShiT!!, I need to start giving a shit.

•April 20, 2011 • Leave a Comment

  I embarked on a weekend of sloth and gluttony of the likes of which it would have killed a well fit person. I was house sitting for my cousin trying to get some one to hang out with me so that I won’t be alone with my thoughts. My best friend Jared is finishing school at Michigan so that he won’t stroll down the path of depression of knowing you won’t make anything of your life a.k.a my life and my other best friend Raul is married with a kid, so he’s practically dead.  The first day started out good still i woke up and realized it’s 4 in the afternoon. I picked up a stuff crust double pepperoni, a large thin crust supreme pizza, ate it all with 2 1/2 cases of diet root beer, diet dr. pepper cherry, 1/2  a chocolate cake, 2 mini bags of strip chocolate cookies, and some jerky my cousin was stashing in the back of the fridge.  Even after all that food, I still was having a hard time sleeping. I was hearing strange noises and seeing things that weren’t there. I actually saw what I can only comprehend to be my grandma and she’s been dead for 6 years. So naturally masturbating was out of the question. I normally don’t have a problem jerking off in others places/house, but knowing my luck right at the peak of climax, my grandma would appear and completely scar my for the night. Day two was a little lighter. Going on with no sleep, I grabbed 6 breakfast tacos, 2 mexican bottled cokes, a candy apple, and a snickers with almonds. This was 6 in the morning! Lunch and dinner was even worst. I started with a double what-a-burger with cheese and bacon, a single what-a-burger without onions, a 24 count case of vanilla coke, 1/2 a case of coke zero, the other half of that chocolate cake, and a king size pack of strawberry twizzlers. Later that night, I went out for 6 orders of the 2 regular Jack in the box tacos, three big macs, a whole sleeve of oreo cookies, a whole sleeve of chocolate cookies, and 2 cases of root beer. By the end of the 2 day weekend, I found myself a little scared because I didn’t care about what I did. 2 years ago, I would have gone in a tail spin of depression. I don’t want to say that I stop caring about myself but to me, it’s hard to care for yourself when you have no one caring about you. I know I don’t have to be alone for the rest of my life, but I’m not into fat chicks. Not to be mean but I lost my virginity with a chubby woman and now I know why no one fucked me.

Why, Why, Why, Why,……..oh yeah.

•April 3, 2011 • 2 Comments

    Greetings, it’s your lovable loser again. These weekend sucked right off the back and it started Wednesday. First,  I went from 60 hours of no sleep, to sleeping for 20 hours straight. Found out my parents cheated the IRS for 6 years and now in some deep shit. My parents were at each other all night for stupid shit that had no relevent to their tax  problem, and I was without internet for 3 days. Yet, this wasn’t the worst weekend ever. I’m tired of looking for the cleanest turd under a pile of shit covered in vomit. It sucks that the best part of my day is that I get past over in an interview. I’ve been isolated from the world for the past 3 days. I’ve just been in my room writing and drawing. I guess that’s a positive out put of this whole ordeal. I’m really going to try to capitalize on my misery. I’m going to try to post some cartoon strips that depict my life. I just hope I don’t flake out like my other adventures. Bitterness, pain, and revenge is what drives me, yet it’s the same combination that depress me and then I just doing nothing. The only pleasure I have is porn, yet porn makes me procrastinate. So, now I have to give up my one an only pleasure to try to find happiness. F&%k, I hope it’s worth it.

60+ hrs without sleep

•March 28, 2011 • 2 Comments

Hey, been a while. Sorry to all my three readers, give or take two. I recently went 64 hours without sleep and it really put things in prospective. I’m going to turn twenty-seven and I haven’t done anything in my life. I’ve had at least thirteen different jobs and none have panned out. I’ve been out of high school for seven years and I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’ve discuss this problem with a lot of people and I always get “You should do what you like,” and then that question is always followed by “What do you like to do?” The problem is that I like to do nothing. I love it, I’m good at it, and I have no problem doing it for hours. I hope to attend college this fall but I have no idea what to take that pays well and has no contact with people if possible. I’ll take suggestions, I’m not the smartest man but I’m a quick learner due to the lack of education. I finally realized that I’m  not going to be one of those people who enjoy what they do, so now I have to find a career that pays me enough to put up with it and care about it. The only time I remember what I would like to do is porn, but I was in the fifth grade. Plus I came up “short” an inch or nine. I really hope I don’t turn out to be one of those people who are forty working at a please where I have to take orders from a manager who is still in highschool. Man, it sucks being in the position that I’m in, but that’s been the story of my life. I’m depress, I’m going to sleep.

Me + Porn = Sigh

•October 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I love porn. It’s just a way for me to escape my loveless life. I know it’s unhealthy to spend hours at a time on-line but when you have been emotionally shit upon as much as me, porn is the only thing keeping me sane. I’ve met a lot of people who tell me,”you need to be more confident,” “porn desensitize you,” and it’s those people who either happy (which I tend not to be) or is getting blown by some one different every other week. I sort of appreciate the advise but shut up. Sure I might look up an excessive amount of porn just to feel something other than the bitter memory of watching my one and only girlfriend blow some guy as I sit two rows back of the big ass van her mom drove taking me home. I dare anyone to still live a functioning love life after witnessing that shit. There are some advantages of being numb to normal sexual activities, like the first (and only) time I had sex, I lasted three hours. She wasn’t black or asian, and she had rules that I had to respect or she wouldn’t F%$K me. First Rule: no anal (I’m thinking, aaaahhhhh, cool. No problem. I’m going to have trouble finding things down there any way. One less thing to worry about). Second Rule: no facials or mouth shots (Now she’s taking all the fun out of it). Plus I’m really focus when I’m into it. Do you have any idea how much concentration is required to masturbate while your mom is crying outside the bathroom door, reading a letter that my sister wrote from rehab.I figured that’s the same will power people who fast must have. Trust me, if I had a girlfriend, I’d probably wouldn’t watch as much and really cherish the moments we would have together. Be warned to the woman who decides to F&^k this sad sack of hairy fat, be prepared to endure 5 years of sexual frustration and crying.